katestine | Entries tagged with change is hard

I suppose it's a little ridiculous to write my New Years post in March, but I realized the other day that my 2015 started October 31, 2014 and ended November 7, 2015, so the difference between 2 months late and 4 months late is... well. October 31 was when I found out my cousin died, so with the 2 deaths in August and emotionally losing someone early in 2015, there was a lot of grief to process. November 8 was when Jon and I left for Florida in one of the year's few trips and when I got back, I began interviewing for the job I currently have. This internship will not last, but it's my first real job in 3.5 years - and my first after a year of being a stay at home mom - so it's a new chapter.

I didn't do much travel in 2015: we went to DC for DOWF in February; Lexan and I went to Charlotte in July; and then Jon and I went to Florida in November. I spent A LOT of time at my parents' house and learned a lot about them and their dynamic.

I only read 87 books in calendar 2015, partly bc the job thing cut into my reading. 18 of them were memoirs, not intentionally, but if the author is writing the book, s/he probably survived the terrible things narrated. The Last Policeman gave me nightmares all year and was totally worth it. I don't think I can narrow down my favorites to 5 books or authors, although I really liked Hard Thing about Hard Things, most of the books about New Orleans, Confidence Code, and Washington's Crossing. 30/87 were non-fiction, which is a new record for me, and only 1 was a re-read.

My resolutions for the year were to spend more time F2F and to eat less processed food. I didn't make much progress on either, despite going to Mommy group and Mommy & Me yoga for chunks of the year. I still don't have any friends in Brooklyn and I walk out of most meetings cringing at my social faux pas. Last night I commented to one of my closest Brooklyn "friends" (Jon's ex-wife) that she knows more dogs in Brooklyn than I know people. I dunno if I really ate more or less processed food in 2015, but I lost 15 lbs, so that's something.

My resolutions for 2016 are to more frequently ask myself, "Does this make my life simpler or better?" and "What is the most positive way I could take this?" and to spend some time every day completely focused on my son. The former is from a lot of things, including reading The Paradox of Choice (albeit at the beginning of 2016). The latter is because my biggest takeaway from 2015 (and becoming a parent) was that the work you put in everyday is who you are.

Apparently I only write New Year's resolution posts every other year now. Oops.

2014 was obviously my biggest year evuh: I got married and had a baby. Hard to top those.

Unfortunately, there were also a lot of very tough things that happened in 2014. I went from living in an 850 sq ft apartment off of Central Park to a 750 sq ft apartment over the Brooklyn Queens Expressway. I had the only job I've ever liked for the work itself, rather than the prestige, but (1) I left traumatically and (2) I unintentionally burned two bridges along the way. ugh. I spent the summer with the worst depression I've ever had and the fall with the worst persistent pain I've ever had. I barely exercised all year as a result.

Relationships were also very mixed. Julian and I broke up for the last time, for a number of reasons. I'm glad it was amicable, unlike our last 2 (or was it 3?) breakups, and that we can still chat and have lunch. 'belle and I started dating, officially. I'm so grateful she came into my life when she did, bc in the last months of my pregnancy, I needed the NRE, someone slightly mysterious who'd tell me I was still sexy. I also really needed someone who supported this project of a lifetime in the exact right sort of way, sharing her medical knowledge, not judging, and most of all, being excited, even when I wasn't. I travelled less last year than I had in nearly a decade, but I'm so glad I went to Tennessee and I'm so grateful to my husband for not only making it possible, but for encouraging me to make it wonderful.

I read more books in 2014 than I have since 2008, ( and better ones too ) I can't decide if I read too many books I enjoyed or if I didn't love any of them, but my favorites were Ben Aaronovitch's "Rivers of London" series, J. K. Rowling's The Silkworm, Julian Barnes' The Sense of an Ending, and Derek Miller's Norwegian by Night. I plan to buy Beth Ann Fennelly's Great With Child for every pregnant woman I know, and I'm glad Nick Hornby recommended it in one of his columns. (His Ten Years in the Tub compilation of articles was the best bedtime reading I've ever had.) I highly recommend Sherman Alexie's The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, which is what YA should be.

I've made so much progress on my 2013 resolutions - spending more time thinking about whether I should do something, instead of how, and getting better at recognizing when I'm spending too much energy worrying about something and decide not to worry - that I forgot they were resolution-worthy. Which is not to say I've succeeded, but that I've gotten so used to the battle, I point it out to others.

My 2015 resolution is to spend more time with people face-to-face. Julian was a major part of my socializing, other than my husband, for a while, which I angsted about a few months ago. More importantly, I feel like my interpersonal skills have atrophied. Secondarily, I'd also like to eat less processed foods, based on an article I saw on Facebook, but that's a distant second.

I've decided to look at Friday night pronoically: I'd been wondering if I did the right thing not inviting so-and-so to my engagement party, even though 8 years ago, she would've been one of my bridesmaids. I'm not wondering any more. My handsome fiance came home, took care of me, and we went to bed.

Jon and I spent Sat morning finishing up our wedding registry, checking online for things that weren't available in store and making decisions about things that need to match, like our tablecloths and our inherited good dishes. Just as we'd declared it done... the FedEx guy brought the first present. Some of our relatives apparently guessed the right places where we were registered. I'm deeply touched by our friends' and families' generosity, even if they keep buying us things I'm not 100% sure about. I haven't gotten used to the idea that I'm old enough to use good silver and crystal, let alone own it. Also, after Jon explained what various items are for, I kinda want to throw a nice party. Which is good, bc we got all sorts of large party fixings.

Eventually my fiance chased me out the door and I had a hard-but-nice run around the park, coming in at 64.75mins for the full loop.

We got a slow start on Sun morning and there was a ride share snafu and then we waited half an hour for our food at the deli, but we had a great day climbing. ( Tipsy Trees, Finger locks, and Hyjek's Horror ), dirty, sore, and very happy.

Monday morning, I tried to keep all my female relatives from being annoyed with me about the flowers and the dress. I'm pretty sure I failed. Went to Sephora for primping and walked out with only a sample of Urban Decay's eye primer, a double win. Made my train to Boston, but spent most of the ride making calls related to the party. *sighs* iAE picked me up at South Station and we had a lovely dinner at Tango in Arlington. It's so nice to eat with people who know what I mean by "low carb", but even if she hadn't lived with a diabetic for years, I'm sure iAE would've understood. I love hanging out with her bc she just gets things and this week, she was on.

TRQ's wedding was very them. I arrived at City Hall where I was immediately button-holed by her father, who wanted to know everything I've been up to. When I wasn't looking, the couple slipped off, as if to do something very private; before I had time to clear my camera's memory card, they'd come back with a big envelope that said "Marriage Certificate". We took some pictures on the windy, cloudy day before walking to the Bell in Hand tavern. I'd forgotten how delicious clam chowdah can be: I think it had bacon in it. My lobster roll was fine, and would've been worth the carbs of the bun if I hadn't also snarfed down vast quantities of eggplant and sweet potato fries. Which itself would've been fine if her family hadn't Shanghai'd me to Mike's Pastry for macaroons (zomg those were so good) and then her mother insisted on buying me a box of cannolis. oops. Food is love and I'm honored to have shared this simcha with one of my oldest friends and that I got to meet both their families.

Hurricane Sandy has really messed up my sense of what day of the week it is, which was already endangered by being unemployed. Monday was always scheduled as a recovery day from the marathon. Tuesday was a particularly pleasant weekend day, as I played Monopoly, ate chicken, and watched Chopped with my Manhattan siblings. Weds was spent in the car with a superb rope top and Midori. Thurs was sort of a work day, as I think Julian got something done, whereas when I asked him at the end of the day how many shinies he thought I'd earned, he said 30-45mins. *le sighs* Friday was a very alas typical pre-marathon day: I took care of a few miniscule annoying things, read some emails, worked out, didn't do the big important things. ugh. So yeah, while I'm sad I won't get to snuggle my bunny, exercise with my partner, or play a restrained game of Monopoly with Lucky, it's probably not crazy to have another week day.

The good thing about Sandy is that, if you're living in the lucky parts of Manhattan - where even the unlucky parts are better than third world places like the outer boros and the suburbs - the whole world is on pause at the same time as me. I tend to focus on the next tough thing in my schedule and ignore everything after: well, after the marathon, I have nothing planned for the rest of my life. Some day I will have a job again and some day my boyfriend will be free to make plans with me, but those feel about as real as Middle Earth.

After talking to Julian and cogitating, I realized the guiding principle for my post-marathon workouts is to work on things I'm not good at. Don't worry, I'll put my ponderings on actual workouts in a fitness filter-locked post. But the reason you're getting this post this morning is that I'm just so annoyed with how little I got done this week, despite having not only power and water, but people cooking all my meals and rubbing my feet. Some of it was not focusing on important things - my career coach and I haven't managed to meet in the past two weeks, but I still haven't finished my first set of assignments. Some of it is that I've been killing time (willpower?) in low utility pleasures like stupid iPhone games instead of high utility pleasures like tv or books. Admittedly some of it is that I've had headaches most of most days and a bug bite whose itchiness now covers half of one arm.

I think some of it is figuring out what's important. Like, despite being part of a large organization with corporate accountability, my career coach is turning out to be kinda flakey (like the rest) and anyway, talking about getting a job doesn't actually get me a job. I think some of it is better conservation of willpower/energy. For example, I look at how much logistics and planning went into not going to Brooklyn last night and I want to throw up at the inefficiency. I think some of it is not taking on high cost, low return open loops, like if I'm going to take on a prickly queer partner, zie better be the most kickass person I've met to date. Or not going after higher-hanging fruit bc one of my fave people commented that if I worked at it for 6 months, I could hit a level of achievement (and incidentally improve a gender imbalance that irks me). I believe the difference between people who have great success in their lives and those who get by is focus, which is picking the right targets and not wasting energy. I want to start being awesome at things that really matter.

Anyhow, it's not question month, but it is a time of transition, almost like the beginning of the year for me. I welcome your thoughts and advice.

I think leveling up my ability to think big thoughts has reduced my ability to write about them. Either that, or hanging out with brilliant, well-educated people is making me self-conscious. *sighs*

Current Mood: pompous

Will be moved to its appropriate place in the timestream sometime in the future. Just wanted to get this all down so I'd remember it if I was looking for it.

The group-that-didn't-go-to-Russia was supposed to have a screening of Four Seasons Lodge, but at the last minute, it changed and I didn't notice, which was sort of okay bc as my impossibly sweet sister said, "ew, old people kissing." Instead we watched The Last Survivor and I got a lesson in African history and was tired of the word genocide by the end.

Conservative TNG brought in Pete Hesgeth of Vets for Freedom to speak. He's clean cut, well-spoken - reminds me of Nathan Petrelli actually. I don't think he's remarkable, but as I watched him speak, I realized that military is just as much a language as, say, technology, and the ability to translate that into something civilians can grasp is even more important. Esp. for policy. I saw this in my own life when NavyBoy first joined: I'd ask him questions and he couldn't figure out how to answer them without compromising something, whereas what I was asking was things like, Can a helicopter fly from NY to Paris? 'cuz ahm smaht like that. Nowadays he knows he can say things like "it makes a big boom" and that's probably the level of detail I was looking for :)

I was ridiculously jazzed after going to a MITEF panel called, "There's An App For That." I've never done anything with MITEF before, but some of the speakers were quite good. ( Read more... ) I ran into an old cow orker from my white shoe days, actually, the fellow who recruited me. I still can't tell how much of my enjoyment came from revisiting old glories and how much from using my brain, but I walked out thinking how much I love tech and how I wish I could do this stuff all the time.

Went to see Tales of Hoffman at the Met with a new friend. It's a lovely production and sitting in the top-and-back, I appreciated the orchestra and the singers(!) even more. I didn't much care for the music though - I still haven't figured out why I like some Mozart (The Magic Flute and that bit from Master & Commander), some Phillip Glass (Akhnaten and the score to The Illusionist), and some parts of Tristan & Isolde, but not Italian or French stuff. It was interesting to recognize that it's so post-Freudian and I was very happy that my companion could tell me so many interesting things about the opera. How much more interesting to do stuff with an aficionado. And I'm very thankful

nyghtowl told me to stay for the orgy in Act III. Still, at 3.5hrs on a school night, I don't think I'll be doing that again soon.

I think the self-discovery process started in the middle of the trip, on Mt. Baker, as I realized that while anything's possible, I don't have the right build for mountaineering. I could still do it, but I'd have to train constantly for it -- and I just don't want it enough. I like brunch and museums and books and I refuse to spend all my free time training. so yeah. (This, btw, is the best argument for not moving to Seattle: surrounded by outdoors culture, I'm afraid I'd lose myself.) I have scaled back my mountaineering ambitions. For me, there's no freedom of the hills. I'd never planned to lead anywhere other than the Gunks - I like to make it to my objectives when I go on expedition and I can afford to pay pros for this sort of thing - but I'm realizing even with that constraint I have to pick my mountains carefully, to ones with support and/or short approaches. ( my new list ) Everyone I've asked about the poll who's been to the Alps or Austria has put it on their list, but it's awfully expensive to learn there. The former chair of my climbing club went there for his honeymoon and recommended Steve Monks for rock cragging in the Alps, but I'm jumping ahead of myself.

Sat I went climbing for the first time since the trip. I'd emailed GMac from the middle of the trip, bc I knew he usually goes to the club picnic and since he finds it hard to get out... At one point during the day he asked if I plan to get married and have kids over the next few years. When I said I did, he said bitterly, "Your climbing will go to shit." Yes, I expect it will.

I was nervous before we went climbing, bc I was afraid I'd oversold my skillz. Over the course of the day, I realized he's not all that strong a climber, but he's a terrific instructor. ( what we did ) That was 7 pitches in one day, including a lead by a n00b - I do 8 or 9 with guides who live in the area - so it's not surprising we got to the picnic late. Unfortunately, there was no food left, so I had lasagna and cake, which fucked up my system :( I was also exhausted - probably sleepy as well as physically drained - so I wasn't nearly as social as I should've been, considering the weather's getting cold and I need to get ice climbing buddies. I found a ride who'd've gotten me back to NYC that night so I could sleep in my own bed, but as I negotiated that, I realized it'd be a slap in the face to my ride who got me there (who is also the current club chair) and to GMac, so I stayed and had bourbon and scotch with them at the Mt Brauhaus.

Sun we woke just after dawn; MLev was having female issues and was generally slow, but we still got to the base of the cliffs by 8. ( I called it the club picnic afterparty ) Afterward we repaired to the Gardiner deli, which is almost as awesome as the Mazama country store and their cupcakes are teh yum. I felt bad that I slept most of the ride home - and then I was useless all afternoon from exhaustion.

I'm glad the return to climbing went well. I think the instruction on my trip was great, but it really did a number on my confidence. I knew the next step was more supervised leads on the rocks I intend to climb (and lead), but before this past weekend, I wasn't sure if I should book them for this fall and was feeling pretty hopeless about climbing in general. I suspect the truth of my skill lies somewhere between what my guide and GMac said.

And then NRod (my new "lj" name for my climbing buddy, the White Russian) and I had lunch the day after to discuss our trips: she's climbed Rainier and Grand Teton since I've seen her. We bonded over the difficulties of roped travel, personality conflicts on expedition, and the terrors of rockfalls. I think her trips made her appreciate me more ;) and we had negotiations about how we get grumpy and why she's willing to put up with my slowness (short version: I'm consistent and she knows I'm trying and she likes me). And then she sent me mail about climbing in WV over Hallowe'en, so.. climbing. fuck yeah!

Tasty, but I cannot recommend it before bed.

First I dreamed about being on an expedition to some domestic peak and the logistics were going badly. There's a theory circulating that dreams help strip emotional content from memories; this dream supported that theory.

Woke up, peed, put on my sleep mask....

...only to dream that I met Bill Gates at some function and he was about to tell me about his open relationship with Melinda and some other transitions in his life. Which became clearer when we went to the ladies room and he started putting on his makeup and um, yeah. It was also the grossest bathroom I've ever been in, and I've been going to bathrooms in Chinatown since the 80s.

I woke up feeling like my subconscious was trying to tell me something about my last afternoon in Seattle, but what??

You know your life has changed when you can't even find an appropriate tag for an old post.

This week has been sucking - work, nobody returns my emails, I'm so fat from the holidays, overwhelmed by how much self-improvement I'm doing, Bluebeard is a pigfucker - so I started writing the five happy things meme (I figure of all the signature items to steal from someone else's lj, this is least karmically bad, right? or is it the worst?) and one of them was going to be about the package of books I'd ordered arriving ON Kate Day. And I thought about getting a picture, or at least opening the package, so I opened it... and discovered it was actually a present! I got to open wrapping paper! Moreover, it was a book I wanted so badly, I, er, ordered it in the package which, uh, I guess is getting here tonight. *laughs happily*

The rest of the list:

Kate day wishes from far and wide
good eye makeup
apparently I now retain water once a month and even mild Atkins-ing has an effect, so half that holiday weight gain went away with 3 days of good food choices
irritating orthopod's office gave me a new prescription without making me come in
friendly fun salesguy helped me buy two bourbons for gifts last night
onigiri for breakfast

BOOKS!! MINEALLMINENEVERHAVETOGIVEITBACKMINE!

Current Music: I don't have a sufficiently joyous icon

Ever have one of those days when you open lj and the assortment of posts make you think your time would be better spent playing Warcraft* than keeping up?

*Mind you, I've been told by people who know about both, that I'd be better off taking up cocaine than Warcraft.

Current Mood: viciously misanthropic

It's a pity I haven't been able to chase down my review of Freakonomics from my pop-econ period, bc I remember loving the book and after reading the sequel, I wonder how that could be. I'm not sure if I'm that more knowledgeable about economics these days or if they dumbed it down: I'm pretty sure it's the latter. They immediately break the fourth wall, acknowledging this book will also be a best seller, and then proceed with a rapid fire discussion of topics you've heard about elsewhere: the birth month bulge, the Milgram experiment, hand washing and puerpal fever, monkey prostitution, etc. As a friend, I highly recommend you skip this one.

That said, I hope lots of other, more ignorant people read it bc it provides some interesting statistics on cancer. ( rant on end of life care )

I also like that Dubner and Levitt provide actual statistics to back up a remark from my fave Gulf War 1 vet: in the two wars we've fought between 2002 to 2008, there was an average of 1643 fatalities per year; over a similar period in the early 80s (i.e. peace time), we had more than 2100 military deaths per year. The accidental death rate for soldiers in the early 1980s was higher than the death rate by hostile fire for every year the US has been fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq. So yeah, other people, not my cool friends who already know this stuff, should read the book.

( other interesting things from the book so you don't have to buy it ) 'course, to read about that, you have to get past verbal stupidity like the line where they talk about the "beautiful mind of John Nash" or this is the x that fooed the bar that Jack built. ugh.

My favorite part of the book was the discussion of Nathan Myhrvold; I've decided when I grow up, I want to be him: "nature photographer, chef, mt climber, and a collector of rare books, rocket engines, antique scientific equipment, and, especially, dinosaur bones: he is co-leader of a project that has dug up more T. rex skeletons than anyone else in the world." Which must mean he's spent a lot of time in Montana, bc I think most T. rex come from that state. I wonder where he's climbed - I looked everywhere and couldn't figure it out and I wonder if he's an actual climber or if he's basically relied on his guides. Maybe he also went to hang out with dinosaurs before he climbed Grand Teton, in which case, I'm halfway there ;)

By far the most controversial part of the book is the chapter on global warming. I don't have a strong enough background to weigh in on their remarks, however I found it interesting though that they cited an article about how a higher CO2 environment is better for trees. (Oh yes, I like that they cite things, unlike, oh, Malcolm Gladwell.) However, they also discuss cheap ways of changing the environment, like floaties that will warm locally change ocean temperature to decrease the likelihood of hurricanes or piping greenhouse gases into a higher level of the atmosphere to create a shield to cool the planet. How crazy do you have to be to think that messing with a system we don't understand is good idea??

People who use large words they don't actually know. I think people who have large vocabularies are hot, but when you flub it, it looks SO BAD. We're all on the Internet - every time I use a word I'm not 100% sure about, I look it up at http://www.m-w.com - why can't they?

[Poll #1420467]

I'm vaguely tempted by this, bc I haven't seen anyone in forever and I'm in A Mood (two nights ago I dreamed about sex and last night I dreamt I was going to get tied up, but he kept getting distracted by models) and it's not like I'll have such a good opportunity to do this stuff for months. On the other hand, for $525, I could pay a climbing guide, go hiking, and get a nice massage, which is a pretty darn good weekend if y'ask me.

Current Music: (Cirque de Soleil) "Liama"

I wonder who'll learn to sleep through the night first, me or Bit.

I've been buying myself little presents of scent lately. Two days ago, I bought cherry blossom bath gel from the Body Shop; haven't bought anything from them for years, but this somehow smelled better than Lush's "flying fox" bath gel, which is too musky. It was on sale to a reasonable price: does anyone really pay $13 for Body Shop products??

I'll probably get a small amount of green jasmine tea from Alice's Tea Cup later today, as I don't have time to get the stuff from Trader Joe's to which my WINGMAN addicted me. Will probably rent a table there to study - $30 for an unending stream of sandwiches and more tea than I can drink? I accept! If they were open at 5am, I'd be there now.

The good news is, I finished an entire exam before noon yesterday; the bad news is, I got <50% :( There were questions where I knew the stuff, but my phrasing didn't get me full points; there were questions where I didn't know the material. I'm not sure which is worse. I also realized I have one less practice exam than I thought, but in a pinch, I'll pay the $150 for another set. The amount of money I'm willing to pay for something that might avoid taking this again is increasing exponentially.

Originally I'd planned to go climbing with a guide in the Gunks on Sunday, bc I haven't been in close to a year and I want to see what my current limit is and thus should climb with someone who won't get mad if I suck. Unfortunately, I feel so blobular after two weeks of intense studying, between the lax eating habits, not enough exercise, and lack of quality sleep, I'm not sure it's worth the money :(:(:( I could barely run 3.4mi last night :(

I'm scared of Sat morning, but I'm also scared of the day after.

( this is yet another of Kate's depressed rants - skip it if you'd rather not hear it )

Current Mood: depressed

The dictionary tells me that capitulation is "the act of surrendering or yielding." My friends who follow the stock market tell me that it is what happens when no one will buy, because everybody in the market realizes they are fscked. My friends who are less into filthy lucre and more into the soul tell me it is the first step to becoming one with the universe.

Well, I sure hope the latter are right, because I sure am capitulating. I don't know why, but somehow things seem a bit too hard to handle. I feel caught with no idea what to do. It's the oddest feeling in the world - I ALWAYS figure out what to do. Maybe not immediately, but I shouldn't be immobilized for two days like this.

So like I said, I'm capitulating. My current goal is to find a job that will pay for some more education and health insurance. Doesn't really matter what I'm doing. *sighs*

Current Mood: gloomy

Had a long chat with the head of the grad program I want to go to. Looks like there's a lot of math in my future: based on our conversation, I need to find somewhere respectable to take classes in linear algebra and statistics either in the spring or summer semesters. *sighs* I wish I'd paid attention when I was an undergrad, instead of playing with st00pid boys.

Current Mood: regretful

Else what's a heaven for?

Year is a slippery word

Biggest Year Evuh

Wedding Prep, Climbing, and a Wedding

Sandy & Recovery

I was halfway through today's book post until I got distracted by all the things I wanted to add

A Fortnight of Kate

Coming back to climbing

Blue cheese and cherries

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5 Happy Things interrupted

Holding the holiday spirit fast

How'd I forget sequels always suck?

Things that annoy me (more than they should), a continuing series

Last minute thoughts

All BNE, all the time

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Bittersweet

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